SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ

Brethren, this here is your preacher the Rev. T.J. Jackson of the St. John The Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ and I am sending this special notice out to address a few concerns.

 

First, it has come to my attention that some of our women have been seen on more than one occasion wearing pants. On one occasion one of our very own wore then into the assembly building and changed into a dress for the assembly. I have figured out where the cause of this sin is coming from. Some of our own flock who insist on having a boob tube in their house just to watch the news. When it is time for the midday news they are turning the TV on a few minutes early and seeing that famous dyke Rosa O’Macdonald on the VIEW. Brethren we have to stamp this mortal sin our of our flock. We can’t have our women poly foxing all over town dressed up tike them transvertiles from out in California. I heard the other day the NBC crucified that famous bisexualist Maddoner and I fear some of women are only about two nails short of being crucified also.

 

It has been brought up that we should have a fellowship cover dish supper. Brethren you see what I am talking about here. They are starting to wear pants, then they are stopping their God given jobs of cooking and trying to rely on everyone else to cook for them; all the while knowing covered dishes and women wearing pants are among the first baby steps down the road to perdition. Next thing you know they will want to lead singing and preach the sermon.

 

Brethren we have to kick Satan out and WE take back our homes and our assembly. It’s time to make the women take them pants off and get in the kitchen like God ordained. Sure, you wife thinks she looks hot in pants, but brethren let me tell you what else is hot: HELL IS HOT! For this reason Sunday morning I will preach a special sermon entitled “Wearing Pants Down The Road To Hell.” A special love offering will be taken to help buy dresses for any women who come out of there pants!

 

Until Next time this is the Rev. TJ Jackson of the Lizard Lick St. John The Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ reminding yeuns to be better to your neighbors and you’ll have better neighbors.

Lizard Lick Bulletin

LIZARD LICK ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST FULL GOSPEL, INDEPENDENT,

PENTECOSTAL, cHURCH OF CHRIST BULLETIN

 

 

Brethren, it’s that time of year again, what the secular folks call the holly day’s season. And, I want to spend a minute talking with you about just that.

 

First on the list is our annual turkey give away to the needy peoples here in our own congregation. This year we will not supply turkeys for the needy in our flock as usual. It seems that unbenounced to any of us one of our members had a yard sale and actually said that the money was for the church and donated that money to buy the turkeys. Brothers and sisters we can’t take that money; it is Satan money. Here at the Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist, full Gospel Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ we can’t use such ill gotten gain. We threw out all 25 of the turkeys along with all the trimmings and had prayer service for those that were led so far astray as to be servants of Satan with their donations. I hope we can restore them gently.

 

Next thing I want to talk to you all about is Christmas. What is on your child’s Christmas list? What does he or she want Sandy Claws to bring  this year? I have been told that among the hot things on our boys and girls’ list this year is CD’s buy that rock and roll group “In The Sink.” Well, brethren I say we take them out of the sink and flush them. You don’t want your little boys to have a role model such as that infamous Lance Banks. You all know he has just came out of the closet and we don’t want him to take any of our kids in the closet. The only one in that group that we were sure was straight was Jason Timberland and you all know what he tried to strip that poor colored girl, Toyota Jackson’s sister Janice, on national TV. I was udderly disgusted with what I heard happened on the boob tube. That reason alone taught us why having a TV is a mortal sin!

 

For that reason, starting the Sunday after Thanksgiving I will start a new series of sermons called “Sandy Claws Exposed.” Find out the true story of how the Catholic church has sent one of its very own saints, Saint Nickels, to try and lead your God fearing children down that wicked path to hell. If he was such a saint why didn’t he help that little kid that was left home all alone? Instead he let that poor child drift away to NeverLand Ranch and live with rock music’s own Peter Pansy. What does old Saint Pederfile want to bring your little girl this year? Pregenant Barbie? In almost 50 years she hasn’t had a husband she prefers to hang out with her friend Skippy and now she is ready to give birth. The toys that all God fearing kids need like guns for the boys and easy bake ovens for the girls have changed as Sandy tries to Sodom and Gommorahize our youth. But, we won’t stand for it here at the Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentocostal, church of Christ.

 

The service will start precisely at 11 o’clock so be on time this is a series you don’t want to miss so you can keep your child on the straight path.

 

Also after tonight’s service there will be an emergency meeting of the elders and deacons. As you know some people have insisted we put a water fountain here in the Lizard Lick  St. John the Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ. Brethren, you know how I feel about that subject. As soon as we put in a drinking fountain, we are going to have to put in a toilet, and there is no record of Jesus or the apostles drinking water or letting it out. And, we pride ourselves with doing things the way Jesus and the Apostles did it. That’s why we use the King James Version only as it is the same version Jesus used in preaching the Gospel.

 

Until next time, this here is the Reverend T.J. Jackson reminding you to be better to your neighbors and you’ll have better neighbors.  

Lizard Lick UPDATE

Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ Update

 

This here is the Reverend T.J. Jackson with this week’s update from the Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ.

 

This year as you all know we sponsored a “Haunted Home” as an alternative to the traditional Halloween festivals in and around Lizard Lick. Among the most popular rooms were The Dressing Room which featured a mom wearing pants, Haircut Room which featured a woman cutting a girls hair with a pair of scissors, Liquor Room which featured a man having a glass of wine with his meal (we substituted the grape juice from last weeks communion so as not to cause him to sin), and the most popular room: TV ROOM which featured a family gathered around the Devil’s box inviting sin into their home through the boob tube. All of our rooms were equally scary and showed families down that well beaten path to Hell.

 

We are happy to be back in our assembly building after renovations after the flood hit. And, we thank Elder John for the use of his home the two weeks we couldn’t get in our building. I know he is glad we are not meeting at his home any more so he can move the cooking stove back into the house.

 

We would like to ask all the men, especially Elders and Deacons, to NOT meet at the spit ‘n whiddle in front of Grover’s supermarket. A lot of the ladies in the town are claiming that the men are trying to create a slick spit there with the hopes of getting some old women to slip down so they grab ‘em to help ‘em up. We don’t want that scandal here at the Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist Full Gospel Independent Pentecostal church of Christ.

 

A big thanks to all who donated to help buy a new communion cup. As you all know sister Gertrude’s dentures fell in the old one and no one wanted to drink from it anymore. Someone even tried to introduce Satan into our assembly by suggesting individual cups. We now have a new cup, so don’t forget your poligrip!

 

We would like for all y’all to add sister Beulah to your prayer list. Her mind is slipping and last week by mistake she put on a candy necklace of her granddaughter’s. And, you all now she comes out of the Baptist tradition, well she fell asleep on the back pew and now she has ant bites all over her neck. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

Until next time this here is the Rev. T.J. Jackson of the Lizard Lick St. John the Baptist, Full Gospel, Independent, Pentecostal, church of Christ reminding yeuns to be better to your neighbors and you’ll have better neighbors.